From my heart to yours here are parts of our birth story. If you want to receive the medicine of the whole story, I invite you to come to the Motherhood Circles. I feel ready to share with you in the safety of that space.

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It is day 36 postpartum. My first day not bleeding. I light every candle in the birth room, turn on my speaker, and DANCE FROM WITHIN. My sacral leading the way. Stretched and satisfied, I sink into the blue sofa next to my sleeping baby. Closing my eyes, I begin to breathe. Long, slow, full breaths into my sacral, lower chest, and upper chest. I open my eyes again; it is time to WRITE FROM THE SOUL about Jyoti’s birth.

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This rite of passage - the birth portal - revealed hidden gems. New core beliefs anchored into my system. Like birth itself, every expansion is followed by a contraction. Old core beliefs resurfaced giving the newborn version of me a chance to transform it into magic, MY MEDICINE. That is the beauty of life, right? Always moving, ever changing. Let me invite you into the teachings, the unfolding of our baby boy Jyoti Shiloh’s birth.

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DILATION PHASE 

It is 1:30 a.m. when a familiar feeling wakes me. Cramps. As I walk to the toilet for my usual midnight pee, a small stream of water runs down my leg. Could labour be starting? A part of me is in denial, but my inner knowing is already aware. I text a friend in another time zone - one of the few times I appreciate this difference - asking about the significance of the 8-8-8 Lionsgate portal unfolding tonight.

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Nesting energy moves me through the house. Lighting candles. Preparing the space. My body and mind feel like a video playing three times faster. The sensations rush through me. I feel them! I am FULLY PRESENT in my body. This body. My own body, over which I hold full authority. What a build-up - not just of these sensations, but of everything. My baby and I have been building to this moment for months.

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I feel invincible, immersed in the powerful lioness energy. A knowing rises: I CAN DO THIS. I AM BORN TO BIRTH MY BABY.

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The orange glow of light surrounds me as I sit, gazing at the birth pool that barely fits in my cozy pink room. My eyes drawn to this dark blue mysterious unending space as I look through the portal shaped window. My heart pounding in my chest seeing the Waxing Crescent moon, just as the spirits showed me in breathwork. I take a deep breath in, realising - I have CREATED the birth room of my dreams.

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One final step before I surrender completely. Holding a candle, I thank the universe for this new day and call upon my spirit guides for protection and guidance. Tears stream down my face as I read my intention aloud:

“I am staying in Ventral Vagal state. I feel spacious and excited about birth. The birth of my baby is an ecstatic and orgasmic for me. I am enjoying every minute of it. My body, mind, soul and spirit are more than capable to transform contractions/pain into loving opening of my body. My baby experiences birth as a gentle, ecstatic, joyful experience. We flow together in the most harmonic way. Together we feel bursting with love, trust, surrender. This birth is the most magical experience of my life so far. I am in love with the world around me. I birth my baby from within my body.”

 

….

 

DESCENT AND BIRTH PHASE

 

A smile spreads across my face as laughter bubbles up inside me. What a joy this is! It feels like early labour, yet my baby’s head is already descending. THIS IS WILD! We move like a fierce tornado, swirling with purpose.

 

There is nothing stopping my baby from birthing. My body – the portal – is a CLEAR PATHWAY. I am open on all levels. Physically, mentally, spiritually. My baby flows through me with ease.

 

I laugh from the inside out, knowing - we did it. We moved mountains together. My baby guided me, shaping me into the mother I needed to be for this exact moment. There is absolutely nothing standing between my baby and me. Nothing to block, to hide behind. It is all clear! WE ARE OPENING TOGETHER, like a rose.

 

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Then, I reach this familiar point in labour - the place where the intensity swells beyond me, as if it will CONSUME ME, swallow me whole. It feels like the edge between life and death, a threshold asking for my surrender. Letting down my guards to open fully. There I am, bare naked. Armours down. My voice trembles as I cry out, “Can someone help me, please?” The lioness within me softens her fierceness, allowing fluidity to take over. I ask specifically for my breathworker - the one who truly sees me, who holds me with grace and gentleness. With her, I know I am safe. But my call is refused.

 

Instead, both she and the midwife enter the room, and before I can understand what is happening, the midwife takes over. She asks me to move my body, her voice firm yet distant. Her words pierce right through me: “This is like you wanted it,”. Confused, I respond, “Yes? I don’t know. I want it less intense.” She continues: “This is your character.” 

 

In that moment, I break. I shatter into a million pieces. Right there, at my most vulnerable - in the sacred space of childbirth - I LOSE MY SENSE OF SELF. It feels like I am no longer even there. 

 

…

 

AFTERBIRTH PHASE

 

Finally I hold my baby for the very first time. I observe him laying under water. It takes me time to come to the awareness to see the gender. A rush of surprise washes over me: he is a boy! Especially, towards the end of the pregnancy I was convinced that I was carrying a girl. That period was filled with working through my mother line. I feel. I CANNOT TRUST MY INTUITION. ​